Is Patience Really Presence — or Just Polite Disconnection?

In a world that prizes speed, strategy, and certainty, the quiet power of genuine interest — of being moved by someone else’s thoughts — is quietly radical.

In many conversations, especially in leadership or coaching spaces, we use "patience" as shorthand for virtue.

It signals restraint.

Empathy.

Presence.

But when we take a closer look, patience may not be quite what we think it is.

And it may not be what we need.

What do we mean when we say “patience”?

Patience comes from the Latin patientia — “suffering” or “endurance.” To be patient is to tolerate something unpleasant without complaint. It’s passive. A quiet waiting game.

Compare that with interest, from Latin inter esse — “to be among” or “to be present within.” Interest is active. It implies curiosity. Engagement. A willingness to be shaped by what we hear.

These words come from different worlds — one rooted in endurance, the other in connection.

And yet, we often treat them as interchangeable. We call someone “so patient” when what we really mean is: they made space. They didn’t rush. They seemed to care.

But as Nancy Kline beautifully writes:

“Patience is waiting. It is a kind of postponing... Patience is a polite and subtle dismissing of what is happening or being thought in this moment. It is an invisible drumming of the table... Patience is a cousin, if distant, of arrogance. It is not fully engaged.”

That’s a powerful reframe. Patience, in this light, performs presence while waiting for the moment to pass.

Interest, by contrast, is presence.

“Attention in a Thinking Environment is not patience. It is interest. ” — Nancy Kline

To be truly interested is not to wait. It is to breathe with the other. To lean in. To feel the aliveness in the act of listening — not just to what is being spoken, but to what the person may think next.

And this isn’t easy.

A Microsoft study found that since 2000, the average attention span has dropped from 12 seconds to just 8 — shorter than that of a goldfish. Meanwhile, researchers at Science magazine discovered something even more startling: many people would rather give themselves electric shocks than sit quietly with their own thoughts.

We live in a world designed for disconnection.

Which makes real interest not only rare — but radical.

It takes courage to be that present. To not just appear patient, but to be truly interested.

Because interest invites change. It invites new thinking. It invites relationship.

So the next time you find yourself practicing patience, consider gently asking:

What would it take, in this moment, to be interested instead?

Maybe that’s the quiet shift that changes everything.

Want more reflections like this?

I send out a monthly note — reflections on language, listening, presence, and the small shifts that change everything.

You can join the list by clicking the button below.